COCONUT INVASION

Invasion alert · priority red

COCONUT INVASION

PLANETARY THREAT: EXTREMELY STUPID

An empire of armed coconuts has mistaken Earth's oceans for premium coconut water. You are the entire defence. Drag to fly — the guns handle themselves.

Coming to the App Store Meet the officers
The Coconut Emperor: a huge brown coconut with an angry cracked face, a jewelled crown and plasma cannons strapped to every side.

Act one

First contact

  1. 03:17

    Lunar radar spots a coconut in space.

  2. 03:18

    Everyone laughs.

  3. 03:19

    It shoots the Moon.

The Coconut Empire claims our oceans are "premium coconut water" and our planet is one very large drink with continents floating in it. They have filed the paperwork. They are on their way.

Our best plan is you, one starfighter, and an alarming number of lasers. Protect Earth. Crack shells. Do not let the Emperor find a straw.

Act two

Know your enemy

Three shells, ten behaviours. Open a file.

A small hostile coconut with an angry face and tiny rocket fins. Scout shell Fast · fragile · endless

The Empire's disposable rank. It dives, darts, splits and swarms — the same shell wearing five different behaviours, which is why the first wave and the fortieth never feel like the same fight.

First seen Coconut Wave 1

Threat Individually none. Collectively, a problem.

A heavy coconut with amber plasma cannons strapped to both sides. Gunner shell Armed · armoured · rude

Someone bolted cannons to a coconut and gave it opinions. Gunners hold position and shoot where you are going, not where you were, so small constant movement beats big dodges.

First seen Coconut Wave 2

Threat Its plasma cannot be shot down. Dodge it.

The crowned Coconut Emperor boss. The Emperor Crowned · enormous · smug

Every fifth wave brings a boss, and one of them is wearing a crown. The Emperor is joined in rotation by the Nut Mother, which blooms swarms out of its own shell, and The Hard Shell, whose rotating armour you have to read before you can hurt it.

First seen Coconut Wave 5

Threat Three phases. It gets worse at each one.

Act three

The officer corps

Before every boss, an officer opens a channel to tell you how doomed you are. Pick one and hear it.

▶ Incoming transmission

LIEUTENANT HUSK

Surrender your oceans. We only want the wet part.

▶ Incoming transmission

COMMANDER PULP

You have cracked sixty of my cousins. My aunt has noticed.

▶ Incoming transmission

MAJOR MILK

We read your defence plan. It was one page. It was you.

▶ Incoming transmission

COLONEL SHELL

Earth is rated four stars. We are here about the fifth.

▶ Incoming transmission

GENERAL FIBRE

Your planet is 71% our beverage. Stop hoarding it.

▶ Incoming transmission

ADMIRAL COIR

I have brought a bigger straw. It is on the ship.

▶ Incoming transmission

BRIGADIER PALM

You are being invoiced for every shell you crack.

▶ Incoming transmission

MARSHAL DRUPE

My therapist says to share my feelings. Incoming.

▶ Incoming transmission

OVERSEER SAP

We checked the records twice. You really are the only one.

▶ Incoming transmission

THE BOARD

This quarter requires your ocean. Nothing personal.

The Empire officer transmitting: an armed coconut with plasma cannons.

Ten officers, in order, every fifth wave. Reach wave 55 and the roster starts again — the Empire has a lot of middle management.

Act four

Your side of it

Five starfighters, earned by your best score. They change how you look, never how you fly — identical speed, fire rate and hit box, so there is no wrong pick and nothing is gated behind them.

  1. Sky Peelerfleet issue peelerReady now
  2. Straw Onestraw not included10,000
  3. Husk Busterextra-thick hull25,000
  4. Milk Runmostly a rumour50,000
  5. Nutcrackercracks the big ones100,000

What the wrecks leave behind

  • Triple Straw
  • Rapid Peeler
  • Shell Shield
  • Coconut Cracker
  • Duct Tape

In flight

The title screen, styled as an Earth defence terminal: an invasion alert, the Coconut Emperor held in a targeting crosshair over the planet, and a DEFEND EARTH button.
Earth defence terminal
Gameplay: a cyan starfighter firing upward at armed brown coconuts, with the curve of Earth glowing at the bottom of the screen.
Coconut wave one
Gameplay: the Coconut Emperor filling the top of the screen with its health bar draining, amber plasma falling toward the player.
The Coconut Emperor
The defence log screen listing best defence, furthest wave, defence sorties, coconuts cracked and time on duty.
Defence log

What it is

  • Endless coconut waves Difficulty climbs and never stops. There is only how long Earth lasts.
  • Three bosses The Coconut Emperor, a Nut Mother that launches swarms, and The Hard Shell, whose rotating shield you have to read.
  • Ten officers Every fifth wave, one of them opens a channel to threaten you. Badly.
  • One hand, one thumb Drag anywhere to fly. The ship rides above your finger so it is never hidden.
  • One payment Two free sorties, then unlock it once and keep it. No subscription, no ads, no second purchase.
  • Nothing collected No analytics, no tracking, no account. Your scores never leave your device.

Privacy, briefly

Coconut Invasion collects no data. No analytics, no tracking, no advertising, no account, and no network requests of its own. Scores, statistics, settings and your chosen starfighter are stored on your device and never sent anywhere. The only network activity is the App Store purchase itself, which Apple handles — we never see it.

Read the full privacy policy →

This page holds itself to the same line: no scripts, no fonts, no analytics, nothing loaded from anywhere else. Everything on it that moves or responds is plain HTML and CSS.

Requirements

iPhone running iOS 17 or later. Coconut Invasion is a single one-time purchase of the full game after two free sorties. Purchases restore across your devices through the same Apple Account.